etude of a menagerie on the milky way

so, I just woke up, and I had this dream. There was this sliced loaf of bread and it had letters of gratitude printed on it. One even was addressed to me. I vaguely remember reading "keep on eatin' and eatin'" and "make sure to press B" the loaf was a gift for everyone who the sender got support from or something. (It was from someone who got married last month, you know the guy) the last things I remember were a helicopter, something that shot out fireworks, and Seafoam Shanty. It may not be as romantic as my other dreams, but it's a keeper. Keep on dreaming. 10-9-18 ⭐PS: it's way later in the day, but my mind is filled with this sentimental, don't-let-your-dreams-be-dreams feelings right now and I feel like I can do anything! I feel like I can find the true lover from the world of dreams, and oh my god! I don't want this to end! My darling, please come to me, I know you're out there somewhere! Don't let your dreams be dreams! Nothing's impossible! I'd be so much more productive if I always had this feeling!!! I will experience true love! I know it!

So, I just started playing Super Mario Party and it's pretty great so far, but something bothered me. It's the possibility of losing a board while playing with friends. The pure humility of it all really scares me, even though me making any friends isn't possible at all. Sure, playing with friends sounds interesting, I watch those guys do that same thing, but... actually being there, I would much rather watch than be in the middle of it. What's so fun about it if you're gonna lose all the time? This reminds me of that one comic of that one person using amiibos instead of actual people for an 8 player match in Smash Bros. It's something I'd do if I had that many amiibos and also is my current mental state. But y'know, it also reminds me of the Colosseum streams and of Thrown Controllers. That kind of pressure sounds even more scary, and also because my crush is there, the only man I feel affectionate towards. That pressure also is why I will not and would not take up any sort of sport. I don't wanna lose, especially in front of people. It reminds me of how relieved I was when my brother left the room before the first game was over. Then I went to my room and won. I just realized the irony of me, who wants to explore and discover the world, but still is terrified of leaving my comfort zone even just for a split second. Why am I like this? How can I, a selective mute, be with someone who can be super chatty? Wait, no, nevermind. He mentioned that he's introverted sometime ago. Thank. God. Will I even have a chance to be with him? I'm seriously doubting it 'cause everything ends with a big, fat, no. Please, god of love, let me have a chance to be with him. It's alright if it's not romantically, I just want him to know that I exist, in a very good way. On another note...

just woke up from a weird dream and in it I was in the cast for Modern Family and the dream was just plain weird... if I can't act in real life, guess I'll pursue it in my dreams. Like, they were all really nice and they all knew my name. Anyways, I went to the mall yesterday and it was pretty great as per usual. Keep on dreaming. 10-21-18 ⭐

this morning I was looking for any interesting videos on my way to school and then I saw a morning stream from yesterday and it featured them!!!!! And HIM!!!! He did something really nice with his hair and I'm all for it!!! I only remember them talking about him not having a Twitch account and yet he's been in alot of streams from there, and donuts. That stream so made my morning! Once again, I'm love he!!!! I also brought tea to school, and it was a legit idea. You know what is also a legit idea? If he had a Twitch account, so I would be on that waaaay more than I usually am. Today I went back to school and I felt super lost, like more lost than I usually am. Oh, right. There's a week left until Halloween, nice. And a week left until the best month ever starts!!! Keep on dreaming. 10-24-18🌟

So, I just had yet another dream. This time, it was about Mr. You-know-who about to move to California. Not only that he was moving to the same timezone as me, but he was moving closer to my heart, which is pretty legit. Like going to visit him during a road trip would be amazing. I wonder if him occasionally popping up in my dreams has any meaning at all. It's much, much, later in the day and I have a weird amalgamation of anxiety, nausea, and paranoia. What do I blame it on? I am not sure. Am I actually going to get the flu this year? Possibly. Is it because it's almost that one part of the month? Oh, boy! 3 am! Keep on dreaming. 10-25-18 ⭐ (I am so staying home)

I'm just going to leave this here, since it's scary accurate:

"You can come off as controlling to others because you are very strong in your beliefs, and because of this you may be not liked by others. And you are very in control of who you are and what you feel, you have a stubborn attitude and it shows to others. They may admire this in you because you have a can-do attitude and you are optimistic with what comes in the future. You want to find out who you are, and you enjoy traveling, because it makes you spend time with yourself. In the end you find yourself. You also have a work ethic that requires you to connect with whatever you do because you need to feel a connection with what you do, and you want to love it."

"You love to help others, and you love to help so much that sometimes you have the tendency to avoid your own problems. This can end bad for you, remember you matter and you need to take care of yourself. But at the same time you attract others because you have so much love to give, you love freely, and to you love is a universal language, and love must be given. You also, because of all the love you give, love is given to you. But remember that there are those who will take advantage of the affection you give, remember to be careful."

Like, jeez.

Earlier, I had yet another dream about this purple moon. Thanos moon? Is it foreshadowing in anyway? Who knows? Keep on dreaming. 10-26-18 ⭐

why today was a good day:

1. I woke up during the wrath of the Rain God
2. I got some yummy Peppermint bark Oreos and prematurely got in the Holiday Spirit(tm)
3. I finally got the screenshot of that one time when he legitimately showed his face (and his recording stuff) on his channel for 5 seconds.
4. We won a game for once!!!

There could be more, but I forgot. Keep on dreaming. 10-28-18 🌟

I had this weird dream about a school trip to outer space and it was, well, weird. Still in love with that picture. Oh, right, and tomorrow I absolutely have to go to school because if I do, there's a lot I can get, which is including, but not limited to getting m e r r y all up in here. Do it for him, self! Do it for him! Keep on dreaming. 10-29-18🌟

today there was a stream featuring those guys, and it was pretty great. Hilarious things were said and I had an idea of an ASMR video of Mr. You-know-who reading *that* book. But him? Whispering? Not likely. Hmmm, I'm really tired right now, but I'm excited for this 5 day weekend. It's practically a godsend in which I'm gonna spend eating candy, welcoming November, watching the Smash Bros. Direct, and most importantly, sleep. Definitely not what I was told to do at school. Who even spends the break like that? That's not what a break is for. It's called a break for a reason! Hhhh, I'm tired. Keep on dreaming. 10-30-18 🌟 (thank God I didn't get punished)

just got home from getting candy and I'm drop dead tired as usual. I'm just tired in general. I don't think I can stay up till after midnight, which is a new one. Let it be November already, I wanna celebrate. But at least I got candy.

On a more enthusiastic note, I saw a video with him in it and let me just say that he was actually pretty buff for once. At first glance, I was like "Holy crap, that's a spicy meatball!" It was pretty great knowing that he has been going to the gym for exercise reasons. Like, 90% of the comments were commenting about his guns. (Hmmmm, so tireeeed.) I never thought that I'd like buff dudes, but now I do. I think. Like, I never saw him wearing a tank top until now. It almost looked like it had a hood, too.

Hmmmm, I kinda wish I had friends, but maybe not. Like, if I had friends, my current tiredness would be increased fourfold. I wonder if having friends would have health benefits like food does. The only thing I know that friends do is that they make you feel insanely insecure and exhausted. But do you wanna know what is also impossible for me to get? A good support system. Like, what is even a good support system and why's it called that? Isn't that another thing to call your friends? Why would you call it that if you feel insanely exhausted while being near them? Aren't friends like vampires except that they suck the energy out of you rather than your blood? Cuz that's how I feel about friends. I'm so tireeeed. Keep on dreaming. 10-31-18 🌟(P.S. there's four possible things that took my enthusiasm:

1. being tired
2. freaking about HIS GUNS
3. the Halloween splatfest
4. wait, what was it?

P.P.S. currently scared about playing card/board games with practically anyone. It's almost November.

P.P.P.S. Feeling bitter. It's November, so there's something good. Can't get HIS GUNS off my mind.)